I love these visits. I am single and happy about it. I feel like a meerkat that's been absorbed into a family. That's my new thing, Meerkat Manor. It's such a dramatic show. Meerkats die like every show and it's sad. But so engrossing. Still doing fine on meds and all. I'm a hot second away from getting my driver's license reinstated and the second I do I'm going to buy a car. Well, not the very second. I'm going to bring a responsible adult along with me in the form of my former next door neighbor, Michele, if she says OK. That way they won't just see a young woman they can sell a lemon to.
So, my list of friends has just reduced by one. Van and I gave it another rotten go 'round and he broke up with me a few days ago. It pissed me off because his reasons were stupid. 1) I have my walls up. 2) I'm pushing you away. 3) I work all the time. You have your walls up? Bullshit on that. But the thing that most bothered me was that he broke up with me before I got a chance to break up with him. Because honestly, I didn't love him and he aggravated me. It reminded me a little of how my mom was with her boyfriends. She stopped having boyfriends when I was in elementary school but they always seemed to aggravate her. Anyway, he doesn't want to be friends right now. But Ryan and I have been in contact which is nice and I've pretty much made friends with my roommate, Charmaine. So there it is, I have two friends on the west coast of florida. eh.
I'm not too worried about it though because once I get a car..... QUIZBOWL ONCE A WEEK BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quizbowl keeps shining like a beacon of socialization in the near future. Can't wait!
Feeling good, like I've overcome a lot and pulled myself up and out of the wreckage that was earlier this year.
I took a Greyhound bus here and I saw this guy that looked like Steve except with brown hair. Same style of clothes, same bone structure. I dream about Steve sometimes. I miss him and wish I could see him again. But he doesn't want to see me so I'll just have to accept that.
There's a Killers concert on my birthday (October 2, hint hint). I'm gonna try and coordinate me and Kim going to it. I feel like she's my Roseanne and I'm her Jackie. BJ used to be the Jackie to my Roseanne. I miss that guy, I'll have to call him. But it's sad to know that I ruined things and we're not friends anymore cuz of me. I can only hope more friends come into my life.
God, I can't wait for quizbowl. Rob, if you read this, comment and tell me what day of the week practice is on.
Oh yeah, as far as goals go, I'm aiming to get back into USF (or to try) for the winter (or spring?) semester. That's about all!
It's my brief return to the internet! I don't know how many people's friends' lists this journal is still on but I'm returning to it, not bust the windows. I was crazy then. I'm better now.
As far as news goes, I sold my house and am renting a room in a house in Dunedin. My plan is to move to Tampa to return to USF. I will be playing quizbowl every week. It will be glorious. My life has gotten a lot better over the past few months -- I was without water and power for a while at the house after BJ moved out. Thank God for Directions for Mental Health. They hooked me up with a social worker and she helped me get the utilities back on. I have a phone again, yay. I'm almost tempted to put my number up on livejournal but I won't. If you really want it leave me a comment.
I'm working at McDonalds. I don't hate it yet -- I'm not burnt out on it yet. It's been about two months now. It's not a permanent career move mind you but a temporary thing.
Got a psychic reading the other day. She said I should focus on my health and join weight watchers. I was offended. She also said I would be good as a nurse rather than a teacher. I got through to my mom, Laura, grandpa, Dad (briefly), grandma and Kyle showed up. Kyle was this boy who went to high school with me but he died. I don't know why I've hung on to his memory for so long, we didn't even know eachother, but I've always held a candle for him. Then last year back when I was less sane I felt him around me a lot. He's a good soul and I like him. So that was a neat surprise.
Speaking on sanity, I'm back on meds. And I quit smoking (and gained weight). The meds are good. I was really crazy this past time and I don't like to think about it. I only mention it because I feel so much better now. I think this combo is the right one for me.
So I'm visiting Kim and I'm at Dave's house tonight. I'm on AIM... septembresmiles if you feel like hollering at me. So that's that. It's been so long, I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out, but that's how it goes. My new place has WiFi but I need to buy something to make my computer pick it up. Still don't have a car but it's in the works. I call it my Vision of Normal. Living in Tampa in an apartment with the power and water always paid for, having a phone, having a valid driver's license and a car, being in school, working, cable and internet. That's all I want and that's what I'm striving for. I can't wait to get back to school. I'm seriously going to apply myself this time because I'm 25 and I want my bachelor's before I'm 30.
Just letting some thoughts out. I hope you readers are well doing whatever you're doing. Have a good day/night. :)
Hey guys. It's been a long time since I posted and it feels like so much has happened in the span of a few months, and much has. But it feels like time and events aren't running together. Since breaking up with Steve, I guess it was only a few months ago, he moved out about a week after. He's living with his aunt in Brandon, where we housesat right after I had the baby.
So many worries on my mind, mostly financial, but I'm trying trying. I spent a good portion of the last two weeks in bed, depressed. I went out job searching when I had the energy, and I put in applications at Subway, McDonalds, Taco Bell, CVS, Neilson, Books-a-Million, Bealls Outlet (cheap clothes), Publix, Firehouse Subs, and Starbucks. It's difficult trying to get a job when you don't have regular access to the phone. But my neighbors, Richard and Michele, have been kind, letting me use their phone and giving me hot cinnamon buns out of the oven and contributing to the cats well being by giving me food and litter for them. Richard even fixed my bike so I go out riding in the evenings a little ways up the trail and back. There's this stretch where it goes past this awesome old stone building that's overgrown and beautiful and then you look out over the field it's on and you see the ocean. I usually ride before sunset, and it's gorgeous.
Kim came up last weekend to help me with a tag sale. We had fun, singing and cleaning and sweating our asses off. (Air conditioning is "in progress", which is unfortunate with it being Florida in July and all.) Then on Sunday right before she was going to leave Rob showed up and the three of us went to the causeway and happened to see dolphins and watched the clouds change color with the sunset. Living in Dunedin reminds of the title of that Death Cab song, "I know why you'd want to live here."
I've been having dreams about my friends. Two with Louie and one with Kim. We were in my house and she was mixing up chocolate milk for me, then she drank it all, and I was like, "Hey!" and we both laughed. I said, "We must have been sisters in a past life." And she said, "We're like sisters now." :-)
I went to Palm Bay three times. Those were some serious squatting adventures. The second trip was the most poorly planned one, the highlight of my desperation being me walking on I-4 as the sun rose after running out of gas with no money and no way to call anyone. I broke down right outside of Lakeland around 5:00 AM, and there is fucking nothing in Lakeland. So I took my skateboard, looking back this was a mistake cuz it was just clunking around right next to me as I walked, but I took it and my sweater and my bag and started walking. I walked off the interstate and sat at a bus stop and suddenly got a dream flashback of the situation I was in. So I walked back onto 1-4 and kept walking for a while and felt the spirit of Sarah saying to me, "Girl, do NOT stick out your thumb." And the trucks were honking at me and I was like, no, I am not a prostitute. I saw a black widow spider in person by the side of the road. After a little while I got picked up by the nice man in the white truck who's paid to help busted up people like me. And I got a gallons worth of gas and some cheap menthol cigarettes from him. He was a kindly grandpa type. But while we were on our way, his little walkie talkie rang in, and he said, "Just stay there until the truck comes." To which I replied, "Are you gonna tow my shit?" That's half of my personal property and I'm stranded mid Florida. Luckily she was there when we got back and some more craziness ensued and I got to Palm Bay.
We lost power during the storm and Kim and I both had a stomach virus so we puked. We went to the beach and I almost drowned. I'm telling you, most poorly planned road trip ever. But I returned home with my sanity and went back soon after. I can't stay away. Looking back on it with bemusement, I knew it would be funny later.
do you eat? sometimes do you sleep? not really have you thought about getting a job?
NO! well, ... no.
Em's family feedbag. with a whole bunch of crazy crap on the walls. oh, and people seem to really dislike the walls. i love them. meaning, the paintings and shit. but seriously, i have almost no people over, but they seem more upset about the drawings than the fact that they've inadvertently stepped on a lightbulb. what the hell.
OK so i went to palm bay, got lost in gainesville (continually). then drove through cassadaga and was fuckin' a minute outside of it and i got lost again and picked up some family ladies at wendys and drove them home and they're pretty nice, this kid from the store i gave him a ride to taco bell and he had written probably a more amazing than jay from prison letter (LIVING THE DREAM BABY, LIVING THE MF DREAM YEAH!) so that happened last night i got early Kerouac compiled writing. so asfdl;asfdjkl;;l;aj great. and i'm here, but my internetz no workin at my house, so leave a comment, and request me! har har har. goodnight.
Last night i drove a huge truck. Before that i got to ride in the bed of the truck. after that I was happy to have another great long talk with a friend. and before that i had another talk! been in touch with sarah and we are planning to meet up this summer at Burning Man. i hope before that i can take a small road trip to see her in oklahoma. i'm happy cuz i'm in a really really nice place. :-)
I slept till 5:00 PM.... played bass (it was great, i could play along to pearl jam's greatest hits!) and keyboard, all my old classical favorites, plus some Ben Folds... Ryan will let me record some cover songs. :-)
i saw a scary ghost last night. not a pleasant crossing the street, slow down sorta ghost. yeah. sitting in the florida room, attempting to boot up my toshiba, a white figure with voids for eyes and a heat sucking mouth. i ran into the bedroom, closed the door with the cell phone, sat on the floor, said hi to him, and had a vision. it was inspiring actually, and well, he just put on a demonstration for us. you don't seem to have a point! my name isn't warren! as usual, an interesting evening here in the castle.
oh noes! the toes noes.
so life. nothing much more to say, relaxing today.
steve came home and i always need a good laugh. now i want to get drunk.
My lips are shakin My nails are bit off Its been a month since Ive heard myself talk Only advantage this lifes got on me Picture a cup in the middle of the sea
And I fought back in my mind Never lets me be right... I got memories, I got shit So much it dont show...
Oh, I walked the line... When you held me in at night Oh, I walked the line... When you held my hand and i...
On empty shells seem so easy to crack Got all these questions Dont know who I could even ask So Ill just lie down and wait for the dream Where Im not ugly and youre lookin at me
And Ill stay in bed... Oh, little Ive seen there If just once I could be loved... Oh, Id stare back at me
Oh, I walked the line... When you held me in at night Oh, I walked the line... When you held my hand and i Oh, I walked the line... When you held me close at night Oh, I paid the price... Never held you in your eyes
Whenever possible in life, I will avoid grocery stores, malls, school or any frightening public place from about 4:00 to 7:00 PM. Too much stress.
It is good to have a primary care physician. Sporadic hospital visits don't work well for me. last night i couldn't stand, my tummy hurt so much. Rob and Jim found me in the hall. when i tried standing i just couldn't, even bracing myself against the sink or the stall of the bathroom. managed to make it slowly out of the building without puking, and i've been sick on and off with bronchitis, nausea triggers breathing problems until i faint. anyway, had one of those spells... last week sometime while visiting largo - oh and i stepped on a nail there so a tetanus shot is in my immediate future - but last night it was terrible. it felt like death. Steve took me to the hospital and it was a disaster. one of the other women was kinder to me than any of the staff. they completely ignored us, and everyone else. a woman had a small baby and first it broke my heart, but then it occurred to me, what if I had Emmy with me? and i'm seeing again that not only is she OK, she's wonderful. she's in the greatest hands she could be in. i feel less guilt about it, because i knew i could not provide what they could. and i don't despise them as much. she has great health care and the best opportunities just starting out. like i had. it seems that i'm blaming my situation or my past or my parents, my boyfriend, my friendships, relationships, the absences in our lives. when it's clear though, it's like trying to connect the dots on a dark empty sky. the voids left tell their own story. i can appreciate my perspective and view myself as healthy (if not "normal") and view every day or moment as a starting point when i recognize my life, see how i shaped myself and how others helped, then go with it.
on communication the thing that really trips me up is when i try to use others specific injections (demands, criticism, expectations, comments, etc.) in the way they said it to me. it's a constant flux of translation. what people say, it hurts, or it makes me feel good, or it makes me question things, or it inspires me, or a combination of those. then take what they said, couple it with the intetion in context, translate, ask for clairification, be direct! kindly. and yeah, i may not be the first to recognize or admit when i get the message wrong, that's why i am the way i am, persistant, stubborn, a bit oblivious, "a tendency for extremes", but when i turn that shit down, which is getting easier to do- all i am is here. plus answers we need don't necessarily come from the source we need it from. i'm big on signs. always have been. then i "take it home and fuck with it." it's all calculation with not clear facts, misinterpretation, misinformation, and just misleading stuff. i'm not saying we all should be enlightened all the time, i'm not even admitting that i always strive for that. who can? i'm no monk and i don't want to be. allowing feelings with a handle on my brain, knowing where my heart is at, yeah then i can see things in a way that is conducive with my life goals. those shift with time, but the big goals are there.
1) hold a job, work with kids or some time of social service that is doable but not too taxing 2) have a family, make babies, at least 3, raise them up right 3) keep a practical grip on my ideals. practice progress not perfection. 4) keep light on my feet for whatever is thrown my way. 5) eat whenever hungry! and enjoy it.
john and i went to see bridge to terabithia and first of all it was great. i loved the book and i like the direction they went in with the movie. i stepped out to smoke and this eerie calm hit me because i'd seen the whole place before. the green dumpster, the generator with a silver hand print on it, the parking lot, the fence, the construction site, the bulldozers, the birds circling above, and i knew it from a dream i'd had a few years ago. it was me and john and bj, but i didn't know john very well at the time. we were driving in a yellow mini bus to the movies and it was this long and winding road, a tedious journey and when we got to the theatre there were these teenagers, really strange. and they were following us around like bats. whirring and clicking and making no sense. and in the dream i go outside to get away from them and i walk along the pavement and the back of the movie theatre and find it's connected to all these other shops and buildings and i'm just desolate, and then the kids lock me out and i'm trapped. so i had my pink shoe in the door and i had seen the two girls in the bathroom and when i went in it was the strangest noises. the sentences were minimal and only came when i approached the mirror, but they left first. the door was heavy and metal and the kind of movie theatre door that you can't open from the outside and there was a small wooden block for the employees to smoke so at first i had that there, then switched to my shoe, then i just stood there with my hand holding the door and i hear the whirring and clicking getting closer, the sounds of collaborating mischief, when i return to the theatre they were right behind me. john and i had a fight on the way there because i just can't talk about politics and i felt bad, but after the movie we seemed alright. it got better. dream dejavous. it used to happen sometimes when i could just barely remember my dream and it would keep poking through during the day, while i was busy, but it was nothing like that. really excellent.
i tried to lay down after saturating myself again but my knees just ached. finally i understood things, made some plans to get out of the house tonight, just take some time off and relax. in largo, fuckin' sick as hell, shaky, lonesome, asthma attacks, tired but hard to sleep, throat is sore, water hurts to swallow, mouth feels disgusting, the lingering longing i feel is returned to me but it just hurts. i don't know how i'm going to make it to texas, if at all. if my car breaks down i have no back up plan. if i run out of gas and have no money for food and shelter i'll be hungry sleeping in my car. cops will hassle me if i try and park somewhere to sleep plus i am afraid of psychos. just a girl in a car, please. i want to go. i wonder if kim could come. i'm trying to work out a way to go, i don't think it would be the best thing, but damn i want to so bad.
despite this undercurrent, pulling, i had a better night being around john and bj. we talked, we understood eachother, i did the dishes, i smoked out on the balcony, sat on the steps, sang into the wind.
sad cuz i gotta help myself, no one can swoop in and do my dirty work for me. i forgot to call demitra about the apointment we made for... tomorrow... ? i don't know, i think i have her card.
all of the ants left paris the emporer has been crucified the pa was hired we sounded like screaming lambs that night but some say we sounded all right. come on down, break it up. come on down, break it up. i forgot who that was by but i really like the tape i made of it a long time ago late night on wmnf, eletronic with vocal over it, i think that may be one of my favorite styles ever. i love going into a trance and absorbing the words, right now i have to absorb some sleep.
all the problems in my life came from not only fear but lack of love now i feel more loved than i ever did in my entire source of being so i wanted to say thanks to all long distance friends, people who hold me in their hearts with good intention, Emmy, i miss you, i love you, all my friends have healed me so that i feel whole, and although i can feel afraid, it's nothing more than butterflies, and those feel excellent. thanks.
its gonna take three hundred dollars to fix my piano now i have a reason to get a steady pay check bella needs a bass stand, but not now kitten needs space and attention george is fine he needs nothing patrick is pissy sad and mopey steve needs love i need everything i can get that is positive and give everything i can that is- if its bad i have to reabsorb it but its cool im a sponge.
i am sitting here on the couch because something about this new medicine won't stop making my bones and joints hurt. especially my knees. and man, i thought it was the weather change, and it still could be. it's been changing kind of quick lately. but i don't know. i woke up two hours after falling asleep because my knee was in such pain it woke me slowly but surely.
the good news is no bad dreams. they're becoming less and less common.
here's Bowl of Oranges by bright eyes:
the sunrise today was astonishing, like the morning before. very pink and orange. they say that's due to pollution and it does look unnatural but i enjoy hallucinogenics so there you go.
We're the new face of failure, prettier and younger but not any better off.
i was having trouble pinpointing what exactly bothers me so much about the frosh at my school. here it is.
1. i've been there, it sucks. 2. since laguna beach, the hills, and all those rich and flaunting it shows came out, young girls and guys act as if they are already in them, like the cameras are rolling. therefore i am scenery to them. so is campus, the trees, the sky, everything i hold dear. it's been bothering me though because i try to ignore them. wrong. it has the opposite effect because when you try and ignore or block somebody out they come at you stronger. jeez. it hurts because i'm trying out a whole bunch of new shit. new outfit ideas, DIY fashion stuff (if i don't have the money to splurge, revamping old stuff is great), going vegetarian and possibly vegan. i just can't bring myself to eat meat right now. still fuckin' love dairy, but whatever. 3. all these new projects are awesome but vulnerable. being sensitive as a default option, it's EXHAUSTING to walk around with my walls up all day to avoid this sucker punching rumor mill shit. 4. i gotta start finding new ways around campus. i'll get a bike soon and that will help tremendously. driving around on campus is not only unnecessary but not environmentally friendly plus gas cost $31 to fill the tank last night. right? insane. once i get the chance i'm trading Suzy in for a hybrid, they're so nice. 5. so walking is an option. the bull runner is an option. plus i can take that to ghetto walmart if necessary, or even the mall if i'm feeling adventurous. walking will be the best option here, that way i don't need to keep the car all day either, just get dropped off. plus walking is exercise and i need to get some air flowing through my lungs (smoke too much as it is) and get my heart rate up out of something other than anxiety.
so that's it. my USF survival guide. i'll be back later i'm sure.
and i got a question on the four noble truths. and rappers, some embarrassing nickelodeon shows and abba.
that italian place near the old apartment (cue barenaked ladies) is so clean, steady and marble.
the sky, the air was thick heavy and cold, but clear and clean. the stars, you could see them even in tampa. but more than usual. and don't even get me started on how beautiful the moon was. with its halo and everything.
drove WAY too fast out of the parking garage and hit the speed hump too hard with my poor car.
all i want is the best. of everything.
i stood in the parking lot alone watching the train go by. i sat on the cold concrete. it was quiet inside. not just that. it was quiet everywhere. the stillness so complete. i did not need anything. talk, swear or think. the stillness, the pavement, under it earth, under it space, lots of it. and my god. did i need it. i drove around with my jaw open and absolutely no thoughts in my beautiful empty brain for an hour.
"everyone loves the sound of a train in the distance, everyone believes it's true."
well my train was RIGHT THE FUCK THERE MAN.
i am caught up now. only good things to follow here on out. good, better, greater than i ever thought possible. i know this now.
oh and i got home to Emmy the baby's six month update in the mail. i knew it was there.
I'm watching The Baby Human and this one's about emotional development of infants 0 - 2 years. They're showing research on babies where they tie a ribbon to the baby's wrist and connect it to a big monitor the size of a flat screen TV. When the baby pulls on the ribbon, it makes an image appear on the screen -- a big smiling baby face with a little tune. When the baby realizes that he's controlling the picture he gets happy. Then they changed it so that when he pulls the ribbon nothing happens, and he gets frustrated.
I'm relieved that psychology has learned kinder, gentler ways to research babies, rather than scaring them with a loud noise or depriving them of things that are vital to life. It renews my faith in psychology. :-)
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content
peaceful
rejuvenated
so amused
women's entertainment - WEEE!
happy
grounding
thinking
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